I waddled into his office, yet again.
Another check up.

Ankles swollen.
Breasts huge and hanging.

Dr. Ashgar Rahaghi.
Oh….this man….
He LOVED this pregnant woman.

He rubbed my swollen belly,
He stroked my tear streaked cheeks.
“You look so beautiful, today.”

THAT morning….
Undulating pain every three minutes.
I cannot catch my breath.

Dr. Ashgar Rahaghi…
“You Look so beautiful today, so ripe and ready to bring your baby forth.”

I scream…..
“I can’t do this….”

From between my legs Dr Ashgar Rahaghi stands…
He rubs my thighs….
He looks me right in the eye, and says….”YES, You can”

He places his hand where I need to push.
“FOCUS” Dr. Ashgar Rahaghi says.

I look into his deep dark brown eyes.
He is looking into my dark brown eyes.

He says “PUSH”
And I push.
For all I am worth, blood vessels breaking, legs shaking, arms holding my legs up, I push, and I push and I push.

There she is…..
On my belly.

Swollen belly.
Breasts heavy and hung.

Dr. Ashgar Rahaghi……
“You look so beautiful, today.”
As he strokes my tear streaked cheek.


Re-kindled love

oh….so many years ago…..

The attraction. The eye contact. The unspoken words.

Yeah…we were there.

We connected.

The unspoken lust.

We wanted……

In the barn, in the house, in many rooms, it didn’t matter where

We wanted….

And then?


Fucking life got in the way.

We want…and yet…

We are suspicious.

What is the agenda?

What do you want from me?

What do I want from you?

Trust? Not so much, anymore.

I don’t know you.

You don’t know me

And yet…..

The attraction. The eye contact. The unspoken words.

Take me to the barn, to the house, in many rooms, it doesn’t matter where.

Just take me.

Connect with me.

Give me eye contact.

Back me into a wall and swallow me with your love gentle love.

Re-kindle what we once had….so many years ago……

When is it ….enough.

Out in my barn, I shovel shit.
I look to the Northern sky.
It is brilliant.
“Pink sky at night, Sailor’s delight”

I dump my wheelbarrow full of horse shit and shavings into the pit and look to the south.
The brilliant colors of Fall.
Reds, Orange, Yellow and Gold.
Full of life on their way to death.

Snot and tears runs down my face.
I feel so empty.
Vacant of life
The vibrancy of color, darkened by my unknowing heart.

I ache. Beyond words.
My gut wrenches.
I dry heave in my horse’s stall.

I have asked you to hold me.
I have asked you to hug me….but not “pat” me on the back.
And, today, When I asked for a hug?
You patted me on the back…..Again, and again, and again.

This dance we dance of unknown words…..
The passion once alive, now passed by “life”

Snot and tears run down my face.
As you say “Good night.”

And I, alone, wonder when enough is enough.

I miss my ovaries.

Almost three weeks post opt.

Why, why, why am I not jumping for joy?
The tumor was benign.

I have rested.
I have slept.
I have taken my meds.

Why,why, why, why, am I not jumping for joy?
The tumor was benign.

I feel numb.
Days fall into days.

Humming birds need their food.

Laundry needs to be done.

Why, why, why am I not jumping for joy?
The tumor was benign.

I miss my ovaries.
A part of my body taken away.
By scaple, and knife.

Gone forever.

Why, why, why am I not jumping for joy?
The tumor was benign.

I am grieving my loss.
My body, my parts.
My womanhood…..
that which defined me.

I miss my ovaries.

I birthed four children, thanks to my ovaries.
I feel betrayed.
I DID everything RIGHT

And, yet, I had a tumor.
The tumor was benign.

Why, why, why am I not jumping for joy?
I miss my ovaries.

Well, shit. My post-op struggles.

I would have thought I would be humbled with gratitude.
And yet, I remain, some what numb.

My ovaries and fallopian tubes have been taken away.

I am barren.

The tumor, found on my right ovary, sent to the pathology lab, was found to be benign.
Relief, an exhale of breath held for three long weeks.
And yet….
I remain, some what numb.

Before my surgery I put a lot on my “to do” list.
Re-write my will.
Ask my kids to help David with Rebekah.
Bestow my jewelery to my children.

My brain was fuzzy with thought.
I went to my four worst words.
“Yeah…but what if”

One week out.
I do not have cancer.
The ugly disease that eats at one’s very being
But also the fear that eats at one’s mind

I cannot lift anything.
My daily living has been changed.

My porch plants are drooping for lack of water.
My humming-bird feeders have mold in them.

My garden….oh, my garden.
I cannot weed, nor toil, nor plant.

My daily life living has been changed.

I need someone else to lift a bag of food for the chickens.
I need someone else to water my plants.
I need someone else to do the very things I took for granted.

For now….
My daily life has been changed.
And I am alive.

I will rest
And I will heal.
I will not have to live in the dreaded words of…
“yeah…but what if”

Good Bye

How many times in our lives do we have to say good-bye?
A parent? A child moving away? A neighbor who has passed?

I am saying “Good bye” to my ovaries.

After a year-long battle and search as to why I was not feeling well; doctor after doctor I pursued to help me find an answer.

I found one.

I have a tumor.
On my right ovary.

I was not expecting this finding.
I thought I had an issue with my ongoing IBS.

After an x-ray of my abdomen.
I got the call.
“Sharon, they found an OPACITY in the right side of your pelvis”

The following Wednesday I was laid out on the table, legs spread, for a trans vaginal ultra sound.
I held my breath.

The radiologists came in and said….
By the way….he is a man….
“You have a tumor and you can wait three months and we can check it again to see if it has changed”

Ummmm….I don’t think so.
My very good friend, who also is my ob/gyn was with me said “No…this needs to come out”

I am numb.

I left the hospital and had the blood work drawn for the CANCER markers.
I am numb.
I take Bek and her friends to lunch.
I am numb

Good bye ovaries.
My ob/gyn believes it is best to take both of my ovaries.
I am numb.

My precious ovaries served me well.
I have four amazing children due to their production.

And now…I am barren.
Even though I am, due to natures cause,
I am barren now, due to medicine.

My heart feels like a lead weight.
I nurture.
I give life.

Good bye ovaries.
You have blessed me, well.

I am numb.

Scary answers

I have been on my journey toward good health for months.

I started to feel more tired than usual at the end of last summer.
By fall, my hair was falling out in clumps, my finger nails were peeling off to the quick.
I was exhausted after driving my daughter to school and putting in a load of laundry.
I needed to lay down. Never being a napper, this was horrific to me.

I made an appointment with my PCP.
“You’re fine” She said.
“You just need some vitamins”

I, being a good patient, began a regime of getting 1000,00 mg of B-12 shot into my ass every other day for a month and then once a week for another month while also taking 50,000 IU of Vitamin D-3.
Another round of blood tests….
No improvement.

“Keep taking the Vit D-3”
I did.

I found another doctor.

Julie, at least felt as proactive as I.

Blood work was scheduled….
Still too low.

Pain in my abdomen.
I assumed I always had IBS

Julie scheduled an x-ray.
“Sharon, you have an opacity in the right side of your abdomen. We are scheduling an ultra sound next week”

I, as usual, go out to my barn, smell my horses, shovel horse shit, scream, cry, and kick the walls.
Why not?….I hear in a small voice.

I fast.
OMG I am so thirsty.

The ultra sound technician is fast and efficient.
“Move over here, roll over there, hold your breathe”
And then the trans vaginal ultra sound.

I have a tumor.
It is on my right ovary.
It is not supposed to be there.

I need surgery ASAP.
I need new blood drawn for “tumor markers”
My brain can’t take all of this in.

I leave the hospital….
I feel numb.

I managed to pick up some lunch food for Rebekah.

I got in my car and drove.
Not hearing anything but hearing everything.

I drove to my daughter’s house.
Chilled to the bone.
Jess just held me…..

There were no words
For a while.

Gently she asked….”Do you want to call Dad?”
“What will I say?”
Just talk. Always the wise one, Jess is.

So here I am.
Chilled and scared to the bone.
I have so much living to do.

Nine months after I initially asked for help from my doctor and now I am three doctor’s later.
What if I did not continue to push for answers?
Yes, I am angry.
Angry with my doctor, who I feel failed me with her “vitamin” script.
Angry that she has never called back to see how I am doing.

I have my answer.
It is scary
I have so much living to do.

But I have to wonder about the folks who don’t know how to ask.
Who don’t know how to push for answers.
What will be their demise?

Scary answers.

What in the name of …..

Here I sit with an ice-cube in a baggie.
Holding it up against my right eye lid.

Yup,…I’m a fool for love.

My sweet daughter, Bek, wanted to try out a “new” make up technique on me.
I, being, super mom/aka guinea pig let her.

Having just arrived home from vacation.
Bronzed from head to toe.
Relaxed and mellow.

I had missed being with Bek.
And wanting to spend some “quality” mother/daughter time….
I subjected myself to sitting on the toilet seat in Bek’s bathroom she proceeded with her tutorial she had learned on Facebook.

I should have known better when I saw the glue stick.
I asked.
Bek said “it’s fine, Mom”
I trusted.

“Close your eyes”
I did.

Cold smear of something very sticky.
“Relax” Bek said.

The layers of make up went on.
Much sighing on Bek’s part.

“Mom…your eye’s aren’t right”

Bek grabbed a wash cloth and tried to wash off her efforts.

Here I sit with an ice-cube in a baggie.
Holding it up against my right eye lid.

When I look in the mirror I am horrified.
My eye is nearly swollen shut.

What in the name of…..
Yup, I’m a fool for love.

And wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Arbor tree

The phone rang while I was making dinner….
UGH!! So inconvenient.
Don’t people know I am trying to make dinner and keep my household tasks on par?

“Hi, Sharon,”
“Umm, Hello?”
“It’s me, “I just wanted to let you know what the kids are up too.”

Since I have put myself “on hold” with my Guardian ad Litem work due to family and personal health issues I have not kept up with my past resolved cases.

“I just wanted to let you know”…..
A long pause…a hiccup,…a sigh….

“The girl’s are high honor student’s, now.”
“Johnny, is on varsity basketball.”

I remember when I took this case..
The kids were wild-eyed with fear.

I promised those kids I would be THERE for them.
I promised those kids they would not have to shit in a bucket at the end of a trailer..
I promised those kids there would be a better day for them because I would help them find their voice….
and until they could I would be their voice.

I gave those three kids my word.

The phone rang while I was making dinner…
UGH!!! So Inconvenient.

I was told these three kids planted an Arbor Tree in my name.
I broke into tears.

I am humbled,
and full of awe.

These three have a forever place in my heart.
Not for what I have done for them….
But for the greatness of what they have given me.

Paint me a picture with your words.

I trust you.
You give me words I can work with.

“Use your body”
You say.

I hear you, and yet my mind needs a picture.
“Open your legs, allow her to move through you”

I breathe. I settle myself. I relax.
She moves. I move.
Or I move and she moves.

We are one.
We are connecting.
On a fundamental, base, we are one.

I move, she moves.

Paint me a picture with your words.

Allow her fluid movement to move through you.
Connect with her movement.
Catch it !!! That movement.

“Do you feel it?”

Paint me a picture with your words.

She comes into my hands.
Willing and supple.
Asking…even though we do not know what is next.

Paint me a picture with your words.

A connection.
With her, my Lady.
Willing and honest.

Not unlike relationships.
We move.
We are supple
We ask.
We are willing.

Even though we do not know what is next.

Paint me a picture with your words.
I will follow.
I’ll do my best.

Paint me a picture with your words.