Well, shit. My post-op struggles.

I would have thought I would be humbled with gratitude.
And yet, I remain, some what numb.

My ovaries and fallopian tubes have been taken away.

I am barren.

The tumor, found on my right ovary, sent to the pathology lab, was found to be benign.
Relief, an exhale of breath held for three long weeks.
And yet….
I remain, some what numb.

Before my surgery I put a lot on my “to do” list.
Re-write my will.
Ask my kids to help David with Rebekah.
Bestow my jewelery to my children.

My brain was fuzzy with thought.
I went to my four worst words.
“Yeah…but what if”

One week out.
I do not have cancer.
The ugly disease that eats at one’s very being
But also the fear that eats at one’s mind

I cannot lift anything.
My daily living has been changed.

My porch plants are drooping for lack of water.
My humming-bird feeders have mold in them.

My garden….oh, my garden.
I cannot weed, nor toil, nor plant.

My daily life living has been changed.

I need someone else to lift a bag of food for the chickens.
I need someone else to water my plants.
I need someone else to do the very things I took for granted.

For now….
My daily life has been changed.
And I am alive.

I will rest
And I will heal.
I will not have to live in the dreaded words of…
“yeah…but what if”

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