I miss my ovaries.

Almost three weeks post opt.

Why, why, why am I not jumping for joy?
The tumor was benign.

I have rested.
I have slept.
I have taken my meds.

Why,why, why, why, am I not jumping for joy?
The tumor was benign.

I feel numb.
Days fall into days.

Humming birds need their food.

Laundry needs to be done.

Why, why, why am I not jumping for joy?
The tumor was benign.

I miss my ovaries.
A part of my body taken away.
By scaple, and knife.

Gone forever.

Why, why, why am I not jumping for joy?
The tumor was benign.

I am grieving my loss.
My body, my parts.
My womanhood…..
that which defined me.

I miss my ovaries.

I birthed four children, thanks to my ovaries.
And……
I feel betrayed.
I DID everything RIGHT

And, yet, I had a tumor.
The tumor was benign.

Why, why, why am I not jumping for joy?
I miss my ovaries.

Well, shit. My post-op struggles.

I would have thought I would be humbled with gratitude.
And yet, I remain, some what numb.

My ovaries and fallopian tubes have been taken away.

I am barren.

The tumor, found on my right ovary, sent to the pathology lab, was found to be benign.
Relief, an exhale of breath held for three long weeks.
And yet….
I remain, some what numb.

Before my surgery I put a lot on my “to do” list.
Re-write my will.
Ask my kids to help David with Rebekah.
Bestow my jewelery to my children.

My brain was fuzzy with thought.
I went to my four worst words.
“Yeah…but what if”

One week out.
I do not have cancer.
The ugly disease that eats at one’s very being
But also the fear that eats at one’s mind

I cannot lift anything.
My daily living has been changed.

My porch plants are drooping for lack of water.
My humming-bird feeders have mold in them.

My garden….oh, my garden.
I cannot weed, nor toil, nor plant.

My daily life living has been changed.

I need someone else to lift a bag of food for the chickens.
I need someone else to water my plants.
I need someone else to do the very things I took for granted.

For now….
My daily life has been changed.
And I am alive.

I will rest
And I will heal.
I will not have to live in the dreaded words of…
“yeah…but what if”

Good Bye

How many times in our lives do we have to say good-bye?
A parent? A child moving away? A neighbor who has passed?

I am saying “Good bye” to my ovaries.

After a year-long battle and search as to why I was not feeling well; doctor after doctor I pursued to help me find an answer.

WOW.
I found one.

I have a tumor.
On my right ovary.

I was not expecting this finding.
I thought I had an issue with my ongoing IBS.

After an x-ray of my abdomen.
I got the call.
“Sharon, they found an OPACITY in the right side of your pelvis”

The following Wednesday I was laid out on the table, legs spread, for a trans vaginal ultra sound.
I held my breath.

The radiologists came in and said….
By the way….he is a man….
“You have a tumor and you can wait three months and we can check it again to see if it has changed”

Ummmm….I don’t think so.
My very good friend, who also is my ob/gyn was with me said “No…this needs to come out”

I am numb.

I left the hospital and had the blood work drawn for the CANCER markers.
I am numb.
I take Bek and her friends to lunch.
I am numb

Good bye ovaries.
My ob/gyn believes it is best to take both of my ovaries.
I am numb.

My precious ovaries served me well.
I have four amazing children due to their production.

And now…I am barren.
Even though I am, due to natures cause,
I am barren now, due to medicine.

My heart feels like a lead weight.
I nurture.
I give life.

Good bye ovaries.
You have blessed me, well.

I am numb.