Scary answers

I have been on my journey toward good health for months.

I started to feel more tired than usual at the end of last summer.
By fall, my hair was falling out in clumps, my finger nails were peeling off to the quick.
I was exhausted after driving my daughter to school and putting in a load of laundry.
I needed to lay down. Never being a napper, this was horrific to me.

I made an appointment with my PCP.
“You’re fine” She said.
“You just need some vitamins”

I, being a good patient, began a regime of getting 1000,00 mg of B-12 shot into my ass every other day for a month and then once a week for another month while also taking 50,000 IU of Vitamin D-3.
Another round of blood tests….
No improvement.

“Keep taking the Vit D-3”
I did.

I found another doctor.

Julie, at least felt as proactive as I.

Blood work was scheduled….
AGAIN.
Still too low.

Pain in my abdomen.
Why?
I assumed I always had IBS

Julie scheduled an x-ray.
Results….
“Sharon, you have an opacity in the right side of your abdomen. We are scheduling an ultra sound next week”

I, as usual, go out to my barn, smell my horses, shovel horse shit, scream, cry, and kick the walls.
WHY, WHY, WHY?
Why not?….I hear in a small voice.

I fast.
OMG I am so thirsty.

The ultra sound technician is fast and efficient.
“Move over here, roll over there, hold your breathe”
And then the trans vaginal ultra sound.

I have a tumor.
It is on my right ovary.
It is not supposed to be there.

I need surgery ASAP.
I need new blood drawn for “tumor markers”
WHAT????
My brain can’t take all of this in.

I leave the hospital….
I feel numb.

I managed to pick up some lunch food for Rebekah.

I got in my car and drove.
Not hearing anything but hearing everything.

I drove to my daughter’s house.
Chilled to the bone.
Jess just held me…..

There were no words
For a while.

Gently she asked….”Do you want to call Dad?”
“What will I say?”
Just talk. Always the wise one, Jess is.

So here I am.
Chilled and scared to the bone.
I have so much living to do.

Nine months after I initially asked for help from my doctor and now I am three doctor’s later.
What if I did not continue to push for answers?
Yes, I am angry.
Angry with my doctor, who I feel failed me with her “vitamin” script.
Angry that she has never called back to see how I am doing.

I have my answer.
It is scary
I have so much living to do.

But I have to wonder about the folks who don’t know how to ask.
Who don’t know how to push for answers.
What will be their demise?

Scary answers.

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