Scary answers

I have been on my journey toward good health for months.

I started to feel more tired than usual at the end of last summer.
By fall, my hair was falling out in clumps, my finger nails were peeling off to the quick.
I was exhausted after driving my daughter to school and putting in a load of laundry.
I needed to lay down. Never being a napper, this was horrific to me.

I made an appointment with my PCP.
“You’re fine” She said.
“You just need some vitamins”

I, being a good patient, began a regime of getting 1000,00 mg of B-12 shot into my ass every other day for a month and then once a week for another month while also taking 50,000 IU of Vitamin D-3.
Another round of blood tests….
No improvement.

“Keep taking the Vit D-3”
I did.

I found another doctor.

Julie, at least felt as proactive as I.

Blood work was scheduled….
AGAIN.
Still too low.

Pain in my abdomen.
Why?
I assumed I always had IBS

Julie scheduled an x-ray.
Results….
“Sharon, you have an opacity in the right side of your abdomen. We are scheduling an ultra sound next week”

I, as usual, go out to my barn, smell my horses, shovel horse shit, scream, cry, and kick the walls.
WHY, WHY, WHY?
Why not?….I hear in a small voice.

I fast.
OMG I am so thirsty.

The ultra sound technician is fast and efficient.
“Move over here, roll over there, hold your breathe”
And then the trans vaginal ultra sound.

I have a tumor.
It is on my right ovary.
It is not supposed to be there.

I need surgery ASAP.
I need new blood drawn for “tumor markers”
WHAT????
My brain can’t take all of this in.

I leave the hospital….
I feel numb.

I managed to pick up some lunch food for Rebekah.

I got in my car and drove.
Not hearing anything but hearing everything.

I drove to my daughter’s house.
Chilled to the bone.
Jess just held me…..

There were no words
For a while.

Gently she asked….”Do you want to call Dad?”
“What will I say?”
Just talk. Always the wise one, Jess is.

So here I am.
Chilled and scared to the bone.
I have so much living to do.

Nine months after I initially asked for help from my doctor and now I am three doctor’s later.
What if I did not continue to push for answers?
Yes, I am angry.
Angry with my doctor, who I feel failed me with her “vitamin” script.
Angry that she has never called back to see how I am doing.

I have my answer.
It is scary
I have so much living to do.

But I have to wonder about the folks who don’t know how to ask.
Who don’t know how to push for answers.
What will be their demise?

Scary answers.

What in the name of …..

Here I sit with an ice-cube in a baggie.
Holding it up against my right eye lid.

Yup,…I’m a fool for love.

My sweet daughter, Bek, wanted to try out a “new” make up technique on me.
I, being, super mom/aka guinea pig let her.

Having just arrived home from vacation.
Bronzed from head to toe.
Relaxed and mellow.

I had missed being with Bek.
And wanting to spend some “quality” mother/daughter time….
I subjected myself to sitting on the toilet seat in Bek’s bathroom she proceeded with her tutorial she had learned on Facebook.

I should have known better when I saw the glue stick.
I asked.
Bek said “it’s fine, Mom”
I trusted.

“Close your eyes”
I did.

Cold smear of something very sticky.
ut-oh
“Relax” Bek said.

The layers of make up went on.
Much sighing on Bek’s part.

“Mom…your eye’s aren’t right”

Bek grabbed a wash cloth and tried to wash off her efforts.
OUCH.

Here I sit with an ice-cube in a baggie.
Holding it up against my right eye lid.

When I look in the mirror I am horrified.
My eye is nearly swollen shut.

What in the name of…..
Yup, I’m a fool for love.

And wouldn’t have it any other way.