Poison Remnants

Scarred and scared.
Broken and torn.

My heart is weak.
Crushed and worn.

I am your child.
A grown woman now formed.

Never was I beyond your scorn.

Words hit,strike,cripple and maim.
Desperately I longed to remain…
Your little girl.

To see you laugh, dance, and whirl.
Simply because I was your little girl

Years have passed.
Wounds have healed.
I never found your appeal.

You bragged,and boasted, head held high.
Behind closed doors I wanted to die.

Scarred and scared.
Broken and torn.

My heart is weak.
Crushed and worn.

I begged never to be like you.
Instilling fear and wrath,
so undue.

Here I sit.
A grown woman now formed.

Broken of heart.
Feeling your scorn.

Again.

Now…time is moving.
I am walking away.
A grown woman now formed.
I get to say.

STOP.

I am finished with fear and wrath undeserved.
This hurts me, yes, knowing you from birth.

I have to be brave, loving, powerful, and strong.
A grown woman now formed.
After so long.

My walk with grief.

I can’t breathe.

My lungs hurt too much.

Clogged with sadness I have no words for.

I bend, holding my waist, and throw up bile.

The sour stench of my stomach’s contents remind me of the smell of cancer..

The wretched disease that stole my dad.

Daddy. You are so pale. Daddy, do you know me?

I hold your hand. You are so cold.

Your eyes look at me blankly but…

Daddy, you squeeze my hand when I read you a story.
I give you sips of water dripping out of a straw.

I know you know me.
I kiss you goodnight “I love you.”

My phone rings at 6:45 Monday morning.
Dad, you are gone.

My world has gone cloudy though the sun shines bright.
I cannot feel the grass beneath my bare feet.
I can’t focus on the colors outside.

I can feel the monster of grief coming up behind me.
it’s menacing arms come round me.
I am choked.

I can’t breathe.

My lungs hurt too much.

The Storm

I sit and wait.
The restlessness brewing inside me.
The darkness of an oncoming storm.

A few dark cloud.
The sun hides.
Birds stop chirping.
Leaves turn upside down.

Everything becomes still.
Brewing.

Wait for it.

The thunder, a low growl, far away and rolling
like the thunder in my gut when I see him
far away and rolling.

Wait for it.

His passion. Mine.
A few dark clouds.
The sun hides.
Thunder coming closer.

Wait for it.

The restlessness is peaking.
This is to be one mother fucker of a storm.

I miss my Dad

My dad.

He smells like Bay Rum.
Rugby balls and stinky running shoes.
Rugged, active, robust.

Skiing, biking, running, swimming.

That was then.
Not so very long ago.

My dad.

He smells of fetid urine running into his leg bag.
His breath sour.
Lips chapped.

Skin like tissue; bone poking out and swimming in his fluids.

My dad.

He tries to rake his stiff boney fingers through his sparse hair.
He is thirsty. A sip of water.
He burps. Ever gracious ” excuse me.”

My dad.

We hold hands.
I thank him for loving me.
He wheezes his agreement.

My dad.

I stand over him.
I feel so huge.

As I bend to kiss him
my tear falls onto his face.
I reach for a tissue.

My dad…takes my hand and says
“No, please leave it.”